Eldon & Rosey's engagement [I]

My "little" sister is getting married! These two endured the heat and were real troopers, ready to try anything and full of their own ideas for poses. Thanks, you guys! :) I think I rediscovered how much I love photography. Now, if I can save enough to buy a camera as sweet as the one I borrowed for this shoot... [Dream on, Becca] More pictures coming later, after more delicious editing.

kids and fountains

My three youngest sisters and I had a sleepover and sisters' day last week. Bedtime stories... "Fiddler on the Roof"... endless informative, hilarious, and profound conversation... making paper... milkshakes... Everything is more fun with kids, and I think my sisters are exceptional kids. :) Wednesday was a swelteringly hot, so we four sisters and Kirsten cooled off in the most wonderful fountain. My sisters were enthralled. As if playing in a fountain isn't awesome enough, the water does an enchanting dance routine. It's one of my favorite things about this city. There were two other families there as well, and it was soul-fortifying to watch all the kids play together. Diversity is beautiful. People are beautiful.

a confession

All right, this is going to be a bit up close and personal. Well, a bit more personal than up close, but such is virtuality.

Lately, I've been asking myself what's wrong with myself. How can I assure other people of God's love for them, all the while feeling my own words fall on the echoing pavement of my own heart? How can I bring others to the foot of the cross, feel tears on my cheeks, and pain in my soul, reverberations of the love of God for them... but feel like somewhat of an on-looker myself? Why do I feel a little uncomfortable in my own skin whenever I'm close to God?

Listening to Jennifer Knapp on my way home this evening, God talked with me. He reminded me of the biggest thing I've learned from this man:



My doing and feeling everything correctly isn't as necessary as I make it. Chris, thanks for telling me not to try so hard. That resounded much further than you knew. I guess I need to learn to live in my own brokenness. I'm proud, I guess. No, I don't guess. I know. I am fine with other people's mistakes and imperfections, but I see the inside of my heart... and I loathe my fallibility. Honestly, I must look so ridiculous to God: here I live, saying, "God, it's wonderful that You love them in their brokenness, but I demand to escape Your love until I am perfect enough to approve of myself".

Lord, I repent. I'll let You be my Savior instead of trying to save myself. Forgive me for clinging to condemnation in the face of Your bleeding love.

Just when I think I've got it, Its gone.
When I think I know the answer,
And I dare to raise my hand, Its wrong.

Stop stop stop, This foolish pride of mine
that dares to drag me far away from you.
When I try to do it my way
I always lose, I always lose, your point of view.

Oh, I don't have to be condemned
Jesus Saved me from the laws of sin.
If I fall, I'll try again.
With the spirit as my guide,
I won't ever have to hide again.

Well I, I, try to close my eyes
like a child playing in a game of hide and seek.
If I cannot see the Lord
then surely the Lord cannot see me.
As if I could ever keep him from spying me.
All the plans of this man,
There nothing more, Nothin more then evil, schemes

Oh, I don't have to be condemned
Jesus Saved me from the laws of sin.
If I fall, I'll try again.
With the spirit as my guide,
I won't ever have to hide again.

Oh, I don't have to be condemned
Jesus Saved me from the laws of sin.
If I fall, I'll try again.
With the spirit as my guide,
with the spirit as my guide...

I don't have to be....
Jesus saved me, Jesus saved me...
I don't have to, I won't be condemned...yeah

[Jennifer Knapp, "Romans"]

Conversation with the Shepherd

Shepherd,
I love being in Your arms
Or following close to Your side
Never outside the reach
Of your loving eyes
Guiding hands

Shepherd?
What about them?
They're in the canyon
Where the wild things live
My heart pounds in fear
They'll be destroyed

Shepherd,
I know Yours does, too
I can feel it
Why don't You drag them out
Instead of calling?
They aren't listening

Um, Shepherd?
It's because You love them
More than You fear Your own heartbreak?
Teach me how to love like that
Can You pick me up
So I can know we grieve together?

redemptive violence?

Finally, might we all be starting to listen to the people who would know best that violence begets violence: the soldiers? Remember Timothy McVeigh? Of course, we were outraged when he killed 168 people in the infamous Oklahoma City bombing. It was horrific. Just thinking about it makes me nauseated. But, we forget what he, in a twisted way, was trying to say. During the Gulf War, he became totally disillusioned with war and the idea that hurting people is a way of bringing healing to other people. It didn't make sense to him to kill Iraqis to right wrongs, so he killed Americans to show how senseless it is.

"We all thought we were doing this for your country and these
people are terrible, every single one of them. You get over there and you realize
two things, they're not so terrible and how is this helping my country?"

If Timothy McVeigh wasn't a big enough indication that killing people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong doesn't work, take a listen to Kenneth Eastridge. He is frighteningly honest about what today's war actually looks like. It's not the noble and dignified heroism we are told it is.

"The Army pounds it into your head until it is instinct: Kill
everybody, kill everybody. And you do. Then they just think you can just come
home and turn it off."

Read Eastridge's tragic story and heart-rending testimony and see if you still feel the violence in Iraq is bringing peace to our Iraqi bothers and sisters... or to our brothers and sisters who are on their "tour of duty", as we neatly dub it. I pray for my friend who has been deployed to Iraq, and for the people he will kill.

God, this insanity has to stop. Why do You make yourself vulnerable enough to let us make our own choices, to follow the god of our choosing? Sometimes I wish You'd love us a little less and just stop us. We hurt the people You love, which shreds Your heart as well as their bodies. We hurt Your Name by claiming Your blessing on this mess. Move our hearts to Love and a rejection of hatred. Bring Your Kingdom to our hearts and, through us, to the world You created.

Sorry to sound like a broken record, folks. I know I talk about this a lot. I just stumbled across Eastridge's news article tonight and was disturbed afresh, especially when I've been reminded a lot recently that the church (in some cases) is a huge supporter of "ousting evil" in Iraq. I had to vent.

soul static

Show me, Father, who You are. So many conflicting voices, asserting they know You and demanding that others know You the way they do. When will we give others the liberty You give them... the liberty to make mistakes, the liberty to be fallible? Why do we set ourselves up above You? How can we preach wrath and healing in the same breath? Lord, we get it so wrong. Why do You keep using us to bring Your message? Help us to turn to You in humility, to stop demanding we be Your slaves when You want friends... and, lost in Your love, find Your voice coming out of our lives and mouths.

art show pieces

"Greater Love"

"Simple Tranquility"

"Little Miss Kenya"

"Inscribed"

"Uncle Hibbert"

"Peace Tree"

"Live in Peace"

"Geronimo"

"Hopeful Doubt"

My first art show was a success. Interpretation: I survived the gallerying of the children of my hands and pencils. Honestly, it felt far more vulnerable than I even imagined. I think the greatest lesson I learned is that I still have a lot of developing to do as an artist. Because I've been selling work privately for seven years, I feel like I've developed my style... until I see my work next the people who have degrees in art and were drawing before I was even a heartbeat. But, I told God that I wanted the show to somehow be a means of furthering His Kingdom. He gave me the ability to draw. He gave me the opportunity to do a show. I have faith that He glorified Himself through my offerings to Him and the people who see my work.