Lately, I've been asking myself what's wrong with myself. How can I assure other people of God's love for them, all the while feeling my own words fall on the echoing pavement of my own heart? How can I bring others to the foot of the cross, feel tears on my cheeks, and pain in my soul, reverberations of the love of God for them... but feel like somewhat of an on-looker myself? Why do I feel a little uncomfortable in my own skin whenever I'm close to God?
Listening to Jennifer Knapp on my way home this evening, God talked with me. He reminded me of the biggest thing I've learned from this man:
My doing and feeling everything correctly isn't as necessary as I make it. Chris, thanks for telling me not to try so hard. That resounded much further than you knew. I guess I need to learn to live in my own brokenness. I'm proud, I guess. No, I don't guess. I know. I am fine with other people's mistakes and imperfections, but I see the inside of my heart... and I loathe my fallibility. Honestly, I must look so ridiculous to God: here I live, saying, "God, it's wonderful that You love them in their brokenness, but I demand to escape Your love until I am perfect enough to approve of myself".
Lord, I repent. I'll let You be my Savior instead of trying to save myself. Forgive me for clinging to condemnation in the face of Your bleeding love.
Just when I think I've got it, Its gone.
When I think I know the answer,
And I dare to raise my hand, Its wrong.
Stop stop stop, This foolish pride of mine
that dares to drag me far away from you.
When I try to do it my way
I always lose, I always lose, your point of view.
Oh, I don't have to be condemned
Jesus Saved me from the laws of sin.
If I fall, I'll try again.
With the spirit as my guide,
I won't ever have to hide again.
Well I, I, try to close my eyes
like a child playing in a game of hide and seek.
If I cannot see the Lord
then surely the Lord cannot see me.
As if I could ever keep him from spying me.
All the plans of this man,
There nothing more, Nothin more then evil, schemes
Oh, I don't have to be condemned
Jesus Saved me from the laws of sin.
If I fall, I'll try again.
With the spirit as my guide,
I won't ever have to hide again.
Oh, I don't have to be condemned
Jesus Saved me from the laws of sin.
If I fall, I'll try again.
With the spirit as my guide,
with the spirit as my guide...
I don't have to be....
Jesus saved me, Jesus saved me...
I don't have to, I won't be condemned...yeah
[Jennifer Knapp, "Romans"]
2 comments:
Reading this brings my own struggle with perfection back before my eyes. Thanks for writing.
Sister, you are a beautiful woman, and I love the way I've seen Jesus work in your life in the last year. Has it only been a year?????? Jesus has used real, live people to bring truth, as he does with all of us. Thanks for writing.
Rose Mary
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